Suppose there is a tango teacher in your community. You see this person at every milonga you go to, you watch them, um, "dance". And quite frankly, it is a criminal act. None of their partners looks happy.
Though you are very pleasant and friendly whenever they approach to say hello, inside you are cringing and crossing every finger that they never ask you to dance.
How do you turn down a "teacher"? I mean, permanently?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
A Quandry...
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19 comments:
That's an interesting one.
Supposing he does ask, I'd be tempted to dance with him once to find out what it was like. However, my skill level and experience are a lot less than yours, so it doesn't follow that you have any reason at all to do that.
I don't know exactly why it matters that he's a teacher. Who does he teach? Does he have any influence on the opinion or behaviour of anyone you respect? It sounds as though you fell there might be some bad consequence of refusing him. What is that consequence exactly?
I know that's a lot of questions, but it seems like a really interesting situation with a lot more that could be said about it, because it's not the way you would normally expect things to be. I'm very curious.
Hmmm, I hadn't actually thought about the consequences. There would be none to me personally, I don't think...
It's more a matter of how to do it. Gracefully. Tactfully. Kindly. Especially since asking someone to dance (and getting refused) usually happens in front of other people.
I don't respect this person as a teacher, but I do respect him being a fellow human being with feelings.
In that case it doesn't matter at all that he's a teacher. Unless you think it would be more hurtful because it would be a surprise to him, and might attract other people's attention, or even mockery, by virtue of his high status in the community. That could happen.
Does no one refuse him? How do you refuse people normally?
This sounds like one where it might be a really good idea not to give a reason, perhaps not even the purely formal "I'm going to sit this one out".
You could think up something to keep in reserve in case he is ill-mannered enough to insist on a reason. Something about incompatible styles and you feeling that neither of you would be able to express yourselves? You'd be aiming for something that's so vague as to be practically meaningless, but sounds flattering to a willing mind. It has to be delivered right, though - with the tone of a definite "no". Otherwise it might just start a false conversation that ends in "yes".
Reflect that if he doesn't dance well, but he does teach, he must be quite vain and oblivious and unlikely to be much hurt. What's wrong with his dancing anyway?
You say, "No, thank you." If he insists, you say, "I am flattered, but no thank you." If he still insists, then it is your right and responsibility to tell him why - in kind, but truthful terms.
I am speaking from the viewpoint of a teacher of 30 years.
You sound so wise! Are you a therapist?
Although this is an actual situation, it's also sort of a philosophical one - how do you turn down someone who has visible standing in the community without dinging either of your "reputations"? And does it really matter?
As to what's wrong with his dancing.... you know that old adage about "if you can't say anything nice..."
But you have given me an idea of how to respond, should in the (hopefully unlikely) event he ever asks :-)
Thank you!
And thank you Anonymous (you must have posted at the same time I did!). That was what I was thinking too. And there is actually a very good (irrefutable) reason I could give should he ever become that insistent.
I cannot envision such a situation, but in Tango, you never know :-)
From a man's amusing point of view:
http://www.1times1.com/Manners/EtiquetteIndex.htm#
I love 1times1, Anonymous. VERY humorous!
But I think being direct yet kind is the best approach. Should I be approached.
And always with a smile!
>You sound so wise! Are you a therapist?
No I just talk a lot.
I love the 1x1 guide! I'm linking to that right away.
I'm right behind the "no thank you" approach, too.
Well, lots of people talk a lot but don't say very much :-)
Johanna, my advice is to be assertive but nice about it. You should not be doing something you don't want to!
My question is, if the person is such a "good dancer" (being sarcastic) why is he teaching? Especially in a place where there are lots of advanced dancers?
Ah KR - the $64 million question!!! Why does anyone who wants to - whether they are qualified or not - think they can be teachers???!!!
I'm pretty certain he will never ask me, but he's started approaching whenever I arrive and I just want to be prepared :-)
yes, there is maybe a reason why it is the $64 million dollar question. If it was easy, it would be worth a couple of bucks...
;o)
The 128 million dollar question: why become a teacher in a community that, I presume, has plenty of teachers?
On the actual question: the scriptwriter in me would say, accept the invitation to dance and at the end turn to him and say "You know, I just don't think we connect" in a very sweet but with undertones of "and trust me mate we ain't never going to connect" kind of way.
KR, Limmerick - if only money were the motivating factor.... But since most local teachers earn a meager living as Tango teachers, they ain't doing it to get rich.
Actually, Limmerick, the grouch in me just wants to laugh loudly... Besides, all it takes is one "accept" for the Pavlovian reflex kicks in.
or..... (i know this sounds like a mean thing to do), but say yes once, and then make it so horrible for him during the tanda that he will never ask you again. :-/
i have never personally done this, so i don't know what the consequence of that would be... perhaps the teacher talking about the tanda and how horrible it was for him to dance with you? :(
i would just say "no, thank you" with a sweet smile, and then start fixing my shoes if he doesn't go away...
Don't encourage me, Nuit!! I have enough nasty ideas in mind.
But the "no thank you" approach is always the best, even though it may take several dozen attempts. Eventually they get the message.
As I said, I do not foresee the problem arising, but I just want to be prepared, 'cause you never know.
I have been known to bob down to floor level behind two chairs at the approach of someone who makes me go "Ew," desperately thinking invisible thoughts.
I don't know which is more ridiculous, the thought of him wondering where the hell I'd disappeared to, or the thought of him looking at the top of my hairdo and deciding not to insist.
It was an outdoor festival and there was nowhere else to hide.
That is too rich, Ms. H.!!!
Oh, when are those Klingons going to perfect their cloaking device!!??
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