The Importance - and Responsibility - of Following

There is a wonderful - if non-tango - article in US News & World Report about the power of followers. In spite of a slowly increasing appreciation for this vital half of ourselves, I continue to see and hear a lot of defensiveness about this often misunderstood portion of the human equation. Although my entire book is dedicated to trying to explain this component of human behavior, it is filtered through Tango; this article does a very good job of explaining why following is important for everyone in the world at large. And why following is as powerful - and sometimes even more so - than leading.

Of course, I do use the Tango filter, and will do so here. But because my entire yin/yang, male/female, active/passive premise is based on the traditional Argentine tango structure (and my experience with "nuevo" "alternative" or "other" tango is quite limited), it is to the "original" which I refer in my exploration herein. ("Herein"; how erudite am I?!)

Although "leading" is often perceived as the power position, placing ourselves in that position does not a leader make. A leader is only a leader if someone follows. Even just one follower. The flip side is also true: A follower is only a follower when they allow someone to lead them. In tango, with the exepcion of very fleeting moments during each song where the roles are exchanged, a lead-er is always the lead-er, and the follow-er is always the follow-er. And never, ever, do the lead and follow happen simultaneously in both people. This is called judo.

I got to thinking about this non-ending debate again because one of the current topics in Tango Blogosphereland is the horridness of leaders. (A reality, I'm afraid, not currently confined to the world of Tango...) Most suggest that the way to improve bad leaders is to not dance with them (to not "follow" bad leaders). While this is a start, it is by no means the only choice we might entertain. There is a whole other side of the equation, remember? It takes two to Tango.

The "other side", of course, is that there are also "bad" followers. Beyond the obvious self-led steps, adornments, boleos, etc., bad following can begin from the instant a follow-er stands before their partner. It can, in fact, begin from the moment we enter a milonga.

I have noticed, more often than not, that in the US, women (the overwhelming majority of follow-ers)

• reach for their partner the instant they face each other on the dance floor. In other words, they make the first move, or lead.
• anticipate in starting or performing steps. Again, making the move before it's led.
• have a true discomfort with stillness and pausing (which is filled with frenzied adorning), which is active "lead" energy, and once again, not surrendering.
• express anger and disappointment at not being asked to dance every tanda, or at not being asked almost at all - more discomfort with waiting, aka "surrender".

News Flash: none of this is lost on lead-ers.

Of course, it does happen that even with the proper attitude, surrender, etc., there are nights when we don't get to dance anywhere near as much as we'd like to. That's just life.

In addition, many follow-ers present themselves to their partner with certain "I'm not going to give him everything until I see whether he is worth it" reservation. The problem is that the only way to successfully dance tango is to completely surrender. This keeping - something - back - until - it's - safe attitude is anathema to creating the proper environment for tango magic. I firmly believe that the tone of the dance is set by the surrender of the follow-er in the first 5 seconds.

Once the partners have chosen to dance with each other, the lead-er will assume that he has a willing partner (why else would she accept?). But if he takes her in his embrace and senses the reservation, it can provoke a similar reservation in him, which the follow-er will then detect. The result is that neither will have surrendered completely to each other, and they will experience a less than satisfactory dance.

I know that a lot of follow-ers will argue that it is not possible to surrender to that extent with everybody. And I respectfully disagree. I believe there is a definite distinction between not "possible" and not "desirable". But I have to ask, if there is someone with whom it is not desirable to surrender, then why bother dancing with them? What's the point? If I accept a dance, I surrender completely. Even if it's for the one dance. When I surrender to my partner, I can physically experience his own surrender to me. And then the dance goes to a different level.

Let me share what has always worked for me.

1. My surrender begins the moment I enter the door. I am here as a complete person, no matter what happens tonight. I have no way of knowing whether I will dance a lot, a little, or not at all. I choose not to measure my self-esteem in this manner. Dancing is not the only reason I come here. I love the music. I love my friends. I love to watch because even after all these years, there is something to learn. I am happy to be here, no matter what.
2. When I am invited to dance, I wait until my partner has begun to embrace me before I respond. Determining the type of embrace is part of the "lead".
   

I know that the intimacy of the Tango embrace is very uncomfortable for a lot of people in the beginning. But to dance close embrace AT, the total surrender into that intimacy must be absolute. To hold back, even a scintilla, will always be sensed and will always be an obstacle to progress. However, some people find it insurmountable, and gravitate to the open embrace of "nuevo" tango.

Follow-ers, as the article clearly and brilliantly explains, do have power and control. When faced with a bad lead-er, we can simply refuse to follow (i.e. "dance").

And Now for Some Good News!!

Tired of all my own whining and moping, I am posting something a bit off-topic.

Unbeknownst to most people who have normal lives or are not otherwise writers of some sort, November is National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo). Those who participate in it affectionately call each other NaNos or WriMos. This insane experience (now a global phenomenon with almost 100,000 participants this year) requires NaNos to write 50,000 words - a novel - in 30 days, and is the brainchild of one seriously twisted dude, Chris Baty, who has completed 9 novels in the 9 years he has been doing this (the first NaNoWriMo had less than 100 participants). Those who manage to amass this staggering amount of writing in the alloted 30 days are "winners". The deadline is 11:59:59 on 11/30.

Well folks, I am a NaNo. And not only that, I'm also a Winner!!!! Yes, it is true. I have written the first, 50,235 words of my novel, Tea with Henry Moore. And done so BEFORE the deadline. I received the very nifty little "Winner" graphic above to prove it, but for some reason, I'm having trouble inserting it other than in this post. So it is here, temporarily, until I manage to insert it somewhere on the side.

With all the crap I've been going through, this is truly a happy - and quite emotional - moment for me. The Universe may be bent on crushing me, but I will not surrender!!!! Although Chris encourages all NaNos to tell everyone they know about their participation (to better explain why no one has seen you for an entire month), I felt that with everything I'm going through, I didn't want the pressure of failing before all the people I love, in the event my heath challenges severely interfered with my writing.. Besides, I didn't feel like fielding all the queries about what is it about. The truth is that, even after 50K words, I'm not all that sure what it's about. But I think it will eventually be very good :-)

Although it is not about Tango (and has nothing to do with my poll earlier this year - that may be my next novel...), it does contain a couple of tango scenes. (So maybe I am not so off-topic after all). December is the month we continue to write and polish what we have done, and by the new year, we will (hopefully) have a brand spanking new novel to with as we please.

I feel GOOD! [sung in James Brown voice]

Just a Teaser...

My ensemble from the Fashion Fusion Show.

The dress is a delicious pale pink fringe, the shoes (not visible in this photo) are silver glitter, the head ensemble is deep brown velvet with a gold silk sash ending in two intertwined rosettes.

As much as I had hoped tonight would be my second tango outing, the onslaught of bad luck continues: over the weekend my back got tweaked somehow, and I am very much resembling Quasimodo...

I'm Baaaaack. Sort of....

The Eventful Day has come and gone, and I can finally write about it. It was going to be a big night, and I was worried that I wouldn't have the energy to make it. Though the shoulder was less painful, it is my fatigue that had been worrisome. Would I be able to get through all my appointments, finish my work, and be able to nap, before setting forth on my tango mission? And would I be able to raise my left arm to embrace my partner? So many worries and concerns. Plus the little detail of not having danced in 7 months. At all.

Through a series of extraordinary events, my friends made it possible for me to participate in the Fusion Fashion Show at last night's milonga, with proceeds going to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. The director/producer came over last week to choose my "outfit". I was part of the "vintage" portion of the show - hopefully referring to my ensemble, and not my age group...

Yesterday my sweet partner came over in the afternoon to practice our little bit, and I was stunned by the realization that while the steps were all there, the connection, the relaxation, the instant/simultaneous response to the lead was not. I felt like a rank beginner all over again, marveling that this hard earned skill had slipped so far away. I discovered that I was not breathing, and when I was, I was hyperventilating. The shoes I was supposed to wear for the ensemble were slip-sliding all over the place, adding to the stiffness and uncertainty. I suddenly started having dancer's remorse and could detect a sense of panic threatening to blossom into hysteria. But my partner just reminded me to breath, and we danced to the music for about an hour, and I found my feet. Sort of.

I realized that I was having expectations, and had to just let go of all of them. Again, the lesson of surrender, a lesson which has been the central core of my life journey. By the time he left, I was feeling much better emotionally, but a physically exhausted wreck.

With one physical obstacle after another threatening to sideline me from tango forever, I decided that despite the fatigue and the painful shoulder, I could not pass up this tailor made for me re-entry opportunity. And although I would not be sporting my carefully selected, stunning re-entry debut tango ensemble, I would be participating in an important event (for me anyway), and look adorable in my stunning vintage, pink fringe, flapper dress. For head gear I wore a dark chocolate velvet cloche with a gold silk band tied with rosettes. To complete the look, I wore my round toe, silver glitter Miu Mius. Photos will follow, as I did not have any taken personally, although there were many photographers. Very paparazzi-like.

By the time I was supposed to be getting dressed, I was beyond exhausted. I desperately wanted to lie down and sleep, but forced myself to get ready. I applied make-up per the director's specifications, drove out to Santa Monica, and arrived ready to go. The dressing room was like backstage at any opening night: a lot of excitement, bobby pins, and mascara. The dozen or so women in there looked stunning. So many of them were surprised and delighted to see me, and there was much love and hugging.

Finally it was show time. We were the fourth couple to enter, and I received a truly wonderful greeting from the packed room. It was everything I had hoped it would be. I did my best at hamming up my ensemble, strutting up and down the improvised "cat walk", and rendez-voused with my partner in the middle. We did our little schtick, and I was as relaxed as I could have hoped for, all things considered. Since I did not trip or fall down, I would say my debut outing was a roaring (20's) success.

After the show, and the bows, and more photos, I changed into a second, simple black dress I'd brought with me - the pink fringe dress is much too warm to wear for a whole evening. (The drop-dead gorgeous one I'm saving for another time :-) As I danced with my friends, I continued to observe the assault of neglect on many things that I had come to take for granted about my dancing: weakness of ankles, uncertainty of balance, hesitation, stepping on myself, thinking, judging. Although everyone was very complimentary, I kn0w that I have some recovery to do. And I look forward to that.

I was also being very choosy about my partners, dancing with those with whom I have always had a strong connection, who don't necessarily have the fancy steps. I wanted to enjoy that embrace, so long denied, more than I wanted to be creative and daring. That will come as I get stronger and rediscover the relaxed me.

Even so, I definitely overdid it for my first time out. I got home four hours after my regular bedtime. It was a marvelous evening, even though my shoulder definitely suffered from it, and my arches cramped all night in indignant protest of abuse.

A Surprise is Afoot

I have decided that if I wait for my health to be perfect before going back to Tango, I may never dance again. At least this year. I have placed a plan in motion, with other people involved, because I am very determined to rejoin the living, dancing world, and will be dragged there by my friends if anything happens.

Outfit is all complete and spectacular. That's all I will say for now. I will not spoil the surprise, although I do believe there will be photos involved. Suffice it to say that it is the PERFECT time and place for me to reappear.

I am, surprisingly, all atwitter and kinda nervous, and very excited, and just a wee bit scared. I mean, it has been 7 months since I've taken so much as a single step... Will I swoon and do a face plant at my first embrace?

This is definitely going to happen, even if I have to dance lying on a gurney.

Fashion-Fusion Tango Show

Two things near and dear to my heart (and tata) have come together in one sensational event. A local tanguera, with the support of other local tangueros/as, has organized a fundraising event this coming Monday during the milonga. It will be a fashion show/performance, with proceeds going to the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you already know of my tangle with this insidious disease, and also know that due to it, I have not been able to go dancing for what is now 7 months.

If you are all charity-inclined, please send a check made out to this tax-deductible organization. Every little bit helps. Email me for my snail-mail address, or send it directly to the organization, with Fashion-Fusion Tango Show written in the memo section on the bottom.

Bless you all!

Hugging is Now Illegal

You cannot make this stuff up!

I may not have all the details, and I really do get that trying to keep our young safe and healthy in spite of their raging hormones is a bit like kitty wrangling at a catnip convention. But this is the sort of thing that makes me want to leave the US.

No hugging???!!!

Doesn't EVERYONE realize that this particular physical expression is critical for healthy interpersonal development? Not to mention for the tango embrace?! Talk about destroying the joy of Tango for a whole new generation!

Illegal to hug? Oh for God's sake!!!

What, seriously, is wrong with Americans???

Why Won't He Dance with Me??!!

Over the many years I've been dancing Tango, there have always been times when I felt that so-and-so was ignoring me, or angry at me, or trying to make some stupid macho point that totally eluded me. After a long, long time in this tango community, I was quite well known. So when I did show up and I didn't get asked to dance, it always felt like a slap in the face.

I see this as a common thread in blogs everywhere: a shared concern about what we've done wrong or right, about it being related to our attire or hair style, or some highly improbably, distant action which we fear might have been misconstrued as a slight of some sort.

Fortunately, for me those episodes were short-lived and few and far between, and I have eventually come to realize that they have nothing to do with anything. People are people with weird moods that almost NEVER have anything to do with me.

Personal universes are filled with events unrelated to the places we find ourselves in, and most of the time, we are incapable of compartmentalizing our feelings from one area to keep them from spilling over into another. In tango, these "spills" show up as "slighting" and other bizarre, antisocial behaviors. And more commonly, even less innocuous reasons for not getting as much as a glance from someone are probably at play:

• Physical maladies - headaches, footaches, heartaches.
• Wardrobe malfunctions: wrong shoes, broken shoes, waistband snapped.
• Strategical miscalculations - came with someone, sat where they couldn't see you, were discussing business in a social situation
• Psychic maladies - they're drunk, just broke up with Mr./Ms. Perfect, is hearing voices.
  

Etc., etc. etc. When we take any "slight" personally, it becomes personal, even though the other person never even realized it, knew you were in the room. And as we all should know by now, it's not always about "us". Let it go, find something about the evening to enjoy, get to know the person you're sitting next to, or the name of the song you keep meaning to ask the DJ about. Find the tango bliss at the milonga, and stip limiting it ONLY in the embrace.